Of course it's been some time...
So my foster daughter stopped by today for a brief visit. It was very heart warming to see her. I miss her in our home, but things have changed and time marches relentless on.
My eldest daughter tonight went and got 2 tattoos. One on each wrist. For the moment I shall reserve comment.
I have reconnected with some dear friends via the Book of Faces recently. I have found myself of late longing for those days (admittedly through nostalgic eyes) so very long ago when life was so much simpler, times were so much simpler... you know when the greatest digital dilemma was how to stop the 12:00 on the VCR from blinking.
I could indulge myself and reveal just how mundane and destitute I perceive my life to be at the moment. In doing so, it might elicit some "pull your self up by your boot straps", or some other cliched response. I have discovered quite by accident (and from a dear friend from yesteryear) that it's okay to have an occasional case of the "F-its" where nothing seems to matter.
Basically of late, that's how I've really felt. Nothing I do seems to matter. I don't have a career anymore really. I don't influence that many people, hell I don't see face to face or even know that many people anymore.
The one thing that I truly do... and love doing at the moment is my participation in the Happy Valley Speak Easy podcast. What ever small wit I may poses, while having my balls busted by my brothers is a grand time, and I walk away with a huge smile every time we podcast. (The HVSE podcast can be found here. http://www.happyvalleyspeakeasy.com/live/podcast.php, Also available on iTunes and the Stitcher app.)
I can safely say, that the last 4 1/2 years has put me through the emotional, fiscal, temporal and spiritual ringer. What ever I once was before, I certainly am not now, because I don't know what I am now. I once thought I knew what I was going to do that day, and every day for the rest of my life. I partially defined myself to my job. It wasn't the noble endeavor of education or medicine. It was, however, something which came as natural as breathing. I savored everyday I did that work. It was challenging, exciting, difficult and extremely fun. That has been stripped from me and now I don't think I'll ever have that thrill for it again. Even now, I do contract work in that world, but my zeal for it has diminished the point of loathing what I do. I've lost a great deal part of who I was. There's a void and I don't know how I am going to fill it.
I've been blessed with a family who offers more often than not, breaks in the monotony of idleness. Children have a way of doing that. I have a wife who is very understanding, loving... more than I deserve. I am finding more than ever, what ever I thought I knew means absolutely nothing.
I share Dr. King's dream where we are all judged by our character, be it any "race", color, creed, gay, straight, bi, what ever... I don't care how people identify themselves because I've always seen people as human being, until they prove themselves otherwise through their actions. We are all human, flawed in so many ways.. and I am learning mine in painful steps... Hopefully the lessons aren't that hard anymore.
Saturday, June 27, 2015
Friday, September 12, 2014
"To the Pain"
To set the stage, I have a friend of mine from high school of whom we communicate via Facebook (one of only a few redeeming qualities of Facebook). She has recently has suffered from rejected love. To my friend, I truly wish her well, a healed heart and to find her soul mate with whom they may experience the joy of serving each other as their love increases.
Her plight had me begin to thinking and it lead to somewhat of an epiphany. I think we a society have failed to prepare ourselves for those moments of pain. In my lifetime, I have seen us as a society stop teaching pain. Be that pain in he form of physical, emotional or spiritual pain, pain is a part of our human existence. From the start of scoreless soccer and football games to trophies for everyone - the dreaded "participation trophy", we've removed pain in almost every way possible from our children's lives.
The lesson of pain is a required lesson for life. It prepares us for the inevitable times of misery and woe. Misery and woe, no matter how much we don't want it, is a necessary and unavoidable part of life. From the times I was a kid, and learned from the loss of a football or basketball team, to the perpetual rejection of girls through my adolescents, to rejection in my professional life, I was at least prepared to, "pick myself up by my bootstraps" or "get up and dust myself off," to start off again in which endeavor I was currently engaged in.
The funny part, which seems to elude most parents when avoiding this lesson of pain for their children is the more often they experience and over come pain, the easier it is to overcome more pain, deeper pain in the future.
Physical pain is the easiest pain to overcome. In almost all occurrences, that pain is temporary. However often physical pain is self induced, which means as humans we have the capacity to lean how not to repeat that physical pain. I mean, how many times does it take to hit your thumb with the hammer before you learn to hit that nail compared to your thumb?
Emotional pain is much much tougher. As men, we are do not easily admit to emotional pain, and we are even more reluctant to do anything about that emotional pain. Emotional pain has too many sources to simply suggest avoid that pain. My observation has been that men (well at least this man) have a tendency to avoid pain of rejected love because it's the simplest pain to avoid. However, it's the wise man that knows such pain is temporary and once overcome has the ultimate reward of love and joy.
Spiritual pain can only be overcome by one source, God the Almighty. I know controversial at it is, your personal connection and relationship with God is the only way I have ever observed relief of spiritual pain. Perhaps it's ironic that to know God better one must go through such spiritual pain. However, once one submits or humbles him / herself before God the Almighty, and lives according to his plan for happiness, not just happiness occurs, but joy - everlasting joy (so long as you live according to His principles) is the end result.
No one wants to go through pain, but in order to know joy and happiness pain is a required element. Without opposition in all things, how as human beings would we know joy from pain? I submit we would now know the difference without experiencing both.
Her plight had me begin to thinking and it lead to somewhat of an epiphany. I think we a society have failed to prepare ourselves for those moments of pain. In my lifetime, I have seen us as a society stop teaching pain. Be that pain in he form of physical, emotional or spiritual pain, pain is a part of our human existence. From the start of scoreless soccer and football games to trophies for everyone - the dreaded "participation trophy", we've removed pain in almost every way possible from our children's lives.
The lesson of pain is a required lesson for life. It prepares us for the inevitable times of misery and woe. Misery and woe, no matter how much we don't want it, is a necessary and unavoidable part of life. From the times I was a kid, and learned from the loss of a football or basketball team, to the perpetual rejection of girls through my adolescents, to rejection in my professional life, I was at least prepared to, "pick myself up by my bootstraps" or "get up and dust myself off," to start off again in which endeavor I was currently engaged in.
The funny part, which seems to elude most parents when avoiding this lesson of pain for their children is the more often they experience and over come pain, the easier it is to overcome more pain, deeper pain in the future.
Physical pain is the easiest pain to overcome. In almost all occurrences, that pain is temporary. However often physical pain is self induced, which means as humans we have the capacity to lean how not to repeat that physical pain. I mean, how many times does it take to hit your thumb with the hammer before you learn to hit that nail compared to your thumb?
Emotional pain is much much tougher. As men, we are do not easily admit to emotional pain, and we are even more reluctant to do anything about that emotional pain. Emotional pain has too many sources to simply suggest avoid that pain. My observation has been that men (well at least this man) have a tendency to avoid pain of rejected love because it's the simplest pain to avoid. However, it's the wise man that knows such pain is temporary and once overcome has the ultimate reward of love and joy.
Spiritual pain can only be overcome by one source, God the Almighty. I know controversial at it is, your personal connection and relationship with God is the only way I have ever observed relief of spiritual pain. Perhaps it's ironic that to know God better one must go through such spiritual pain. However, once one submits or humbles him / herself before God the Almighty, and lives according to his plan for happiness, not just happiness occurs, but joy - everlasting joy (so long as you live according to His principles) is the end result.
No one wants to go through pain, but in order to know joy and happiness pain is a required element. Without opposition in all things, how as human beings would we know joy from pain? I submit we would now know the difference without experiencing both.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Alright... it's been some time, however I need to lay this out. It's been a bit of time since we lost our lodger (i.e. foster daughter). So last Friday, my father had back surgery. The surgery went well. The recovery however is taking it's time, as such recoveries often to. Since I have been unemployed for 3 1/2 long years with zero prospects, I volunteered to help. Mom didn't realize how difficult it would be, so I got called earlier than she expected to come and help.
Don't get me wrong. I am happy to help. It's my dad. The deal is simply that my dad is in his 60's and can be an curmudgeon. So I am now a voluntary cross between nurse and orderly.
Otherwise it's the status quoe, no work, no prospects and fighting the emotional drag that is the perpetual professional rejection of not only what little opportunities in my field, but being rejected from janitorial services to hamburger flippers... you know the jobs that Americans just won't do.
That's it for now.
Don't get me wrong. I am happy to help. It's my dad. The deal is simply that my dad is in his 60's and can be an curmudgeon. So I am now a voluntary cross between nurse and orderly.
Otherwise it's the status quoe, no work, no prospects and fighting the emotional drag that is the perpetual professional rejection of not only what little opportunities in my field, but being rejected from janitorial services to hamburger flippers... you know the jobs that Americans just won't do.
That's it for now.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Exhausting... and exhausted...
Alright,
So the day after my last post, my grandfather died. He was a great man, whom I literally known all of my 41 years. (His obituary is posted at the bottom of this blog post). He died on Friday, Oct. 11, 2013. It was a full week later on Friday Oct. 18 that was his funeral. This for the most part is a good thing, since his dear wife and my grandmother died 8 months earlier and he was miserable without her. His death is a bittersweet reunion for all involved. The hardest part was watching my kids weep openly right after my brothers and cousins laid the casket in the hearse (as we were the pallbearers). My heart was breaking knowing the deep emotions that ran with my kids who knew their great grandpa well. They are old enough to keep his memory forever.
The incredible creepy part for me, was after the luncheon where the grand kids were all asked to go through the house and pick items from the thousands (no lie) of items that they (mostly Carrie, my grandmother) collected or made. It was like watching a house be picked clean like a thanksgiving turkey. It felt wrong (at least for me). Oh well, I am sure that I was the only one that felt that way.
Also, in the middle of all the funeral activities, I got 5 projects dumped on me, three in Saint George and two in Alaska. So, when it rains, it pours or from famine to feast in a matter of a day.
Also, a note about our foster (the reason I started this little blog...). It appears that as of yet, she has not been enrolled in school just yet. (hummm...) She's bounced from her new legal guardian's house (her biological brother) to her grandmother's house and back. I could dive in to the rumor mill, but it wouldn't do anyone any good, and only cause me to be even more deeply troubled.
So, it's on to a tomorrow, of which no one knows what will come be it good or evil. I am tired of treading water in life. I am ready for SOMETHING to happen that I can finally do better in life, but I guess that's just not in the grand scheme of things... Oh well... Until next time...
Blaine Herbert Hall
St. George
Blaine Herbert Hall lived for his family. His favorite words were, "You make the grandpa's heart happy!" Blaine left this life on October 11, 2013 to join his beloved wife, Carrie, to whom he had been married for 71 years. He was born on January 30, 1921 in Alpine, Utah, and was 92 ½ years old. He lived a rich and full life and is survived by a family who loves him. His five children are Dean Hall, Allen Hall, Karren Willard, Miles Hall, and Colleen Earnshaw. He also leaves 31 grandchildren, 49 great grandchildren, and one great-great granddaughter.
As a young man with only a high school degree, Blaine worked hard to receive his pilot's license. He then became a flight instructor. He and his new bride, Caroldean "Carrie" Candland, were married on August 28, 1942 in the Salt Lake LDS Temple, just a week before he began flying commercially for Western Airlines. He flew for Western for over 38 years until he was required to retire on his 60th birthday. His work took him to various locations, but they called Thousand Oaks, CA home for 32 years. For the past 19 years, he has enjoyed living in the St. George desert which he loved.
Blaine lived his life serving the Lord by serving others. He had served in many different callings and was a beloved bishop in Thousand Oaks for 9 ½ years. He served as a Stake Patriarch for over 40 years and gave over 1800 blessings in his life. He also served as a Temple worker and Sealer. He and Carrie served two missions at the Mesa Arizona Temple Visitor's Center, and in the Philippines Quezon City mission.
Blaine was always reaching out to those around him and was always looking for what good he could do for others. He was continually giving to everyone he knew. His heart was gold and his dedication to following Jesus Christ was stellar. His life was long and full, and he is now happily reunited with the love of his life who he has missed terribly since her passing. We know he is happy. May we never forget his great example.Funeral services will be held Friday, October 18, 2013 at 11:00 a.m. at the Little Valley LDS Stake Center, 1762 South River Road, St. George, Utah. Visitations will be held Thursday evening from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. at Metcalf Mortuary, 288 West St. George Blvd. and on Friday, at the Stake Center, at 9:30 a.m. Interment will be held Saturday, October 19th at 2:00 p.m. at Larkin Sunset Gardens, 1950 East 10600 South, Sandy, Utah. Arrangements entrusted to the care of Metcalf Mortuary, (435) 673-4221.
So the day after my last post, my grandfather died. He was a great man, whom I literally known all of my 41 years. (His obituary is posted at the bottom of this blog post). He died on Friday, Oct. 11, 2013. It was a full week later on Friday Oct. 18 that was his funeral. This for the most part is a good thing, since his dear wife and my grandmother died 8 months earlier and he was miserable without her. His death is a bittersweet reunion for all involved. The hardest part was watching my kids weep openly right after my brothers and cousins laid the casket in the hearse (as we were the pallbearers). My heart was breaking knowing the deep emotions that ran with my kids who knew their great grandpa well. They are old enough to keep his memory forever.
The incredible creepy part for me, was after the luncheon where the grand kids were all asked to go through the house and pick items from the thousands (no lie) of items that they (mostly Carrie, my grandmother) collected or made. It was like watching a house be picked clean like a thanksgiving turkey. It felt wrong (at least for me). Oh well, I am sure that I was the only one that felt that way.
Also, in the middle of all the funeral activities, I got 5 projects dumped on me, three in Saint George and two in Alaska. So, when it rains, it pours or from famine to feast in a matter of a day.
Also, a note about our foster (the reason I started this little blog...). It appears that as of yet, she has not been enrolled in school just yet. (hummm...) She's bounced from her new legal guardian's house (her biological brother) to her grandmother's house and back. I could dive in to the rumor mill, but it wouldn't do anyone any good, and only cause me to be even more deeply troubled.
So, it's on to a tomorrow, of which no one knows what will come be it good or evil. I am tired of treading water in life. I am ready for SOMETHING to happen that I can finally do better in life, but I guess that's just not in the grand scheme of things... Oh well... Until next time...
Blaine Herbert Hall
St. George
Blaine Herbert Hall lived for his family. His favorite words were, "You make the grandpa's heart happy!" Blaine left this life on October 11, 2013 to join his beloved wife, Carrie, to whom he had been married for 71 years. He was born on January 30, 1921 in Alpine, Utah, and was 92 ½ years old. He lived a rich and full life and is survived by a family who loves him. His five children are Dean Hall, Allen Hall, Karren Willard, Miles Hall, and Colleen Earnshaw. He also leaves 31 grandchildren, 49 great grandchildren, and one great-great granddaughter.
As a young man with only a high school degree, Blaine worked hard to receive his pilot's license. He then became a flight instructor. He and his new bride, Caroldean "Carrie" Candland, were married on August 28, 1942 in the Salt Lake LDS Temple, just a week before he began flying commercially for Western Airlines. He flew for Western for over 38 years until he was required to retire on his 60th birthday. His work took him to various locations, but they called Thousand Oaks, CA home for 32 years. For the past 19 years, he has enjoyed living in the St. George desert which he loved.
Blaine lived his life serving the Lord by serving others. He had served in many different callings and was a beloved bishop in Thousand Oaks for 9 ½ years. He served as a Stake Patriarch for over 40 years and gave over 1800 blessings in his life. He also served as a Temple worker and Sealer. He and Carrie served two missions at the Mesa Arizona Temple Visitor's Center, and in the Philippines Quezon City mission.
Blaine was always reaching out to those around him and was always looking for what good he could do for others. He was continually giving to everyone he knew. His heart was gold and his dedication to following Jesus Christ was stellar. His life was long and full, and he is now happily reunited with the love of his life who he has missed terribly since her passing. We know he is happy. May we never forget his great example.Funeral services will be held Friday, October 18, 2013 at 11:00 a.m. at the Little Valley LDS Stake Center, 1762 South River Road, St. George, Utah. Visitations will be held Thursday evening from 6:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. at Metcalf Mortuary, 288 West St. George Blvd. and on Friday, at the Stake Center, at 9:30 a.m. Interment will be held Saturday, October 19th at 2:00 p.m. at Larkin Sunset Gardens, 1950 East 10600 South, Sandy, Utah. Arrangements entrusted to the care of Metcalf Mortuary, (435) 673-4221.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Oh man... What to tell? I guess this is going to be a hodge-podge of life's recent kick in the nadds...
Well, like I predicted, I am missing my foster, though the rest of the family is slightly relieved she's gone. We are slowly returning to a "normal" life. Still the house seems a bit more empty than normal. The teen attitude from both of my kids are now kicking into high gear... so life marches on.
Since we got news of our foster leaving, I've had several different illnesses, one right after another. The good news is I am over all of them. The bad news, the residual coughing due to my asthma is really getting old (a persistent cough that's lasted a week now). My kids are teasing me about a 4 pack a-day habit (funny because I have never touched a tobacco product in my life. Though it's really cool to finally have a deep raspy voice that would put Barry White to shame. The last couple of podcasts has my new voice. The worst part is how much my chest and diaphragm aches from the constant coughing.
Finally, work has really slowed down to 2009 levels. Construction is really falling behind in the Mountain West, at least in the Southern Utah / Southern Nevada arena. So if anyone needs a custom home designed, let me know... I am very good.
Well that's about it, as I need to start dinner for the fam.
Well, like I predicted, I am missing my foster, though the rest of the family is slightly relieved she's gone. We are slowly returning to a "normal" life. Still the house seems a bit more empty than normal. The teen attitude from both of my kids are now kicking into high gear... so life marches on.
Since we got news of our foster leaving, I've had several different illnesses, one right after another. The good news is I am over all of them. The bad news, the residual coughing due to my asthma is really getting old (a persistent cough that's lasted a week now). My kids are teasing me about a 4 pack a-day habit (funny because I have never touched a tobacco product in my life. Though it's really cool to finally have a deep raspy voice that would put Barry White to shame. The last couple of podcasts has my new voice. The worst part is how much my chest and diaphragm aches from the constant coughing.
Finally, work has really slowed down to 2009 levels. Construction is really falling behind in the Mountain West, at least in the Southern Utah / Southern Nevada arena. So if anyone needs a custom home designed, let me know... I am very good.
Well that's about it, as I need to start dinner for the fam.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Countdown...
So, it's official. Our foster leaves us on Wednesday. It comes with a very heavy heart. We've had good times, we've laughed, cried and everything in between. There is a somber mood in the house, as a good thing comes to an end.
It still angers me that there is seemingly no one with her welfare in mind. In fact, the current guardian is going to court to change guardianship to someone else in the family to send her to Salt Lake City from Southern Utah. They seem hell bent on getting her as far away from her adoptive parents as possible. I would love to know the motivation for such a move, when she is happy here and is doing well in school. I have heard horror stories about the way she acts, but there has never been a hint of that side of her personality show ever here. I've been told by the current guardian that I don't know what she's like, but since I am the stay at home parent, I get so see her most of the time, and she's never reverted to that kind of act ever.
This particular guardian however, from my outsider point of view is a master manipulator. She manipulates her parents (the adopted parents of this foster and paternal great grandparents of the foster) with casual and freighting ease. She had done the same to her brother, but he's has been beaten down by his current wife, so I'll forgive him for that. What this foster needs is an impartial independent child advocate. However, since the guardian currently works for Child Welfare, she already has manipulated this foster to take her in to state foster care.
An interesting side, my wife was told by the guardian and her brother that according to a "very reliable source" that my wife and I were hiring a lawyer to fight for custody of this foster. If I had means, I would talk it over with my wife, or at the least pay for an independent advocate for her. Alas, I have not the means to either, and have not done one thing in a legal scene on the behalf of my family or of the foster.
I don't know what I can do, other than exactly what I am doing, which is watching the events unfold without interference from me or my wife.
The strange part, is Shayna and I knew were called by the Almighty God to provide this service for this lady foster. It's been an experience I think we will all cherish.
It still angers me that there is seemingly no one with her welfare in mind. In fact, the current guardian is going to court to change guardianship to someone else in the family to send her to Salt Lake City from Southern Utah. They seem hell bent on getting her as far away from her adoptive parents as possible. I would love to know the motivation for such a move, when she is happy here and is doing well in school. I have heard horror stories about the way she acts, but there has never been a hint of that side of her personality show ever here. I've been told by the current guardian that I don't know what she's like, but since I am the stay at home parent, I get so see her most of the time, and she's never reverted to that kind of act ever.
This particular guardian however, from my outsider point of view is a master manipulator. She manipulates her parents (the adopted parents of this foster and paternal great grandparents of the foster) with casual and freighting ease. She had done the same to her brother, but he's has been beaten down by his current wife, so I'll forgive him for that. What this foster needs is an impartial independent child advocate. However, since the guardian currently works for Child Welfare, she already has manipulated this foster to take her in to state foster care.
An interesting side, my wife was told by the guardian and her brother that according to a "very reliable source" that my wife and I were hiring a lawyer to fight for custody of this foster. If I had means, I would talk it over with my wife, or at the least pay for an independent advocate for her. Alas, I have not the means to either, and have not done one thing in a legal scene on the behalf of my family or of the foster.
I don't know what I can do, other than exactly what I am doing, which is watching the events unfold without interference from me or my wife.
The strange part, is Shayna and I knew were called by the Almighty God to provide this service for this lady foster. It's been an experience I think we will all cherish.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Random thoughts
So the day which our Foster is to leave marches towards us, unrelenting and looming like a vulture waiting for a carcass to finally die. That may be a tad over dramatic. Really, we are waiting for the word "go". It will be a sad day in this household.
In other news, this weekend past, everyone has been the recipient of a good cold. The teens are mostly recovered, but I finally have it, and it's nasty. I feel so good, I feel like shopping at a mall in Kenya.
Also, a final thought... I'd rather raise teen boys compared to teen girls.
In other news, this weekend past, everyone has been the recipient of a good cold. The teens are mostly recovered, but I finally have it, and it's nasty. I feel so good, I feel like shopping at a mall in Kenya.
Also, a final thought... I'd rather raise teen boys compared to teen girls.
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